my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude i'm inner monologue high
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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