I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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