Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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