I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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