areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
