i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
