I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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