Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
