i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
this just has baby written all over it
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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