i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
