Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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