She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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