We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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