Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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