Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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