Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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