I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
