theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
