I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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