my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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