I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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