Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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