I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
