I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize