Who did Billy Mays play for?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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