Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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