I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
