I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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