if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
