guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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