Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
