I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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