Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How does it feel to date your dad?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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