I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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