At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize