Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
