I didn't shave. On purpose
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is it because I queefed?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize