I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
