What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
