hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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