About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
