I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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