Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
