ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
