My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
