I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
