What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize