After last night, I could never be a politician.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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