My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
