I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
