last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
