mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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