FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
