I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
