I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
