I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
