at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
