I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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