went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
