I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
